All of these philosophical questions.

There's a talk on graduates' skillset gap by a now consultant director at her own firm, previously a recruiter in various institutions including BNM. She provided a list of questions that she would ask individuals that come into her office. Philosophical questions, she calls 'em. And some of it make me think (Honestly i forgotten half of em and only remember what made me think, will ask around later). 

The first is who are you and why you want to work. She asked us to tell her our reasons, aside from the obvious one moooooney and to, live. It startled me, because I never really consciously think about it. I think about working because it's just what you do, right? And also for the obvious reasons. 

But other reason that I am scared to admit is that I would want to dive into the industry to see what I'm worth. What can I contribute. I feel like I have the knowledge. It feels like I might have what it takes to 'make it', at least be a gooood employee? But I am SUPER NERVOUS, which is an understatement. I am aware that I have never been in a banking environment. I am not sure whether I can contribute. Or if my angan angan to 'contribute' is a too big of a dream for a fresh grad and a dream waiting to be deflated. 

Lagi critical is that, what if I am not as good as I think I am. What if I study in a sheltered environment, thinking I'm good enough. Obviously, realistically I am not theeee best. But I might be a little above average. The problem is, I might be above average only in the environment that I had always been in? 

I had been wishing lately, fuck it i dont know how to put it nicely so i just wont for now. 

Anyway, the recruiter pointed out that a psychologist mentioned in her talk that what makes a successful person is grit. The ability to come back up after falling, after failing. I'm just so scared of failing that I dont know if i have grit yet. 

But I do have a strong control on my mind. So maybe I can work it out. Being gritty might be the answer to my fears. Now I have to just face it. And the being gritty part definitely makes it less scary to fail. 

So... basically. I've been going down on a spiral. Some days are good. Some days are, well, not. And just because some days are good, doesn't mean that the bad days can be overlooked as nothing, as takde pape lah tu. It doesn't work that way & that's something I need to constantly tell myself. It's real. Don't sweep it under a rug. Don't undermine it.

It doesn't matter if ~you~ think it's something trivial (it might not be trivial, your mind tryna fck you up even more). It's a real problem.

The thing is, I don't know what is the root of the problem. It is all tangled up in a web of confusion. In a series of question marks. In a heap of anxiety. Blergh. I am constantly bothered by it. I would be, up until I got some answers. Until I can get it off my chest. Which is, another problem.

I... don't have that privilege anymore. 

And so I Wonder

I just finished watching this movie. The last movie that I really liked is Coco, and while this one can't rival Coco, it certainly made my heart go places. I googled for reviews, most like it while some don't. This movie, it doesn't delve deep. It's like strolling on the surface sometimes dipping its feet into the water. But, there's a huge but here, while the movie itself doesn't dive deep, the audience would. Or maybe that's just me. Tears! Tears everywhere!

I also love how it shows different POVs, and not just Auggie's (the wonder boy). It makes you experience empathy, not sympathy and I'm very big on that and would love if I could muster the effort to write a post on that - Empathy vs Sympathy -

All in all, it's really a feel good movie just like what was quoted from MTV, "Joyous.. Wonderfully uplifting" and I love it. Except when that thing that made Owen Wilson cry, that sucks, much feels, many tears.

Stop

Sometimes when the day ended,  but my mind didn’t get the memo, it’ll start wandering around to places that I don’t want it to be. It makes me sick to my tummy. It makes me feel like sleep is not an option. Or atleast not the good kind.

Guilt, Grief.

I'm starting to think whatever I touch, turns to ashes. 

8, 4, 2

I woke up
And think of you
Be it 8, 4, or 2
I wake up
And think of you

Light

You're worried of the future.
You started looking back.
When did things change?
How did something so bright,
Becomes so bleak.
How did a clear path,
How wonky it might be,
Fades without trace.
How did an ambition,
Is now a resentment.
The bright light that guided you,
Did you see it flicker?
When did it dim out?

BOMB

You can love yourself, your body while trying to make it better. Trying to get fitter or smaller or bigger doesn't mean you dont love your bomb ass self. And if you really don't, do.  

Whatever happens, be your own man/woman/hero first. Never take on more shit that you shouldve put up with. 

People are built differently.

Stop comparing yourself please. People are built differently. A little less of this, is made up with a little more of that. Altho there are some unfortunates (like me) who don't have any talent whatsoever, i like to believe that my lackless of talent is made up with a little more somewhere else. Which is fine by me. Accepted it more and more each day. Made peace with it. Be grateful of the 'a little more'. Enhance it. Embrace it. Make something useful out of it. 

If you think you have nothing.. Think again. And when you start comparing yourself.. Stop. Like i said, not everybody is built the same. Imagine a world where everybody does (and knows) only the same frickin thing. Same mind. Same way of thinking. Same set of skills. Same attitude. Same hobbies. Same favourite food. Same taste in men/women. Thebalance  wud be out, out, out. How would that work out huh?